With so much talk about toxic and unhealthy relationships, it's helpful to determine what exactly unhealthy relationships look like. It's often taken for granted that people will just know what healthy relationships consist of, and by association, will know what unhealthy relationships look like, too.
But what if you've never experienced a healthy relationship? What if the majority of your experience consists of unhealthy relationships? What if, because of your childhood or other experiences, unhealthy and toxic behavior has been normalized in your life? Would you still recognize unhealthy relationships then?
Maybe not.
Because of that, it's probably a good idea to define what healthy relationships look like. Put very simply, healthy relationships are those in which both parties get their needs met in a healthy way. They don't rely on the other person to take responsibility for them or their needs, and they don't do so for their partner. They allow the other person to learn and to grow without interference or sabotage, even if it is well-meaning. In healthy relationships, people are able to take accountability for their own actions and responsibility for their own emotions. Communication is genuine, open and productive in healthy relationships, with all parties feeling heard and understood. Issues are discussed and compromises or resolutions are reached. Boundaries are respected and each person takes responsibility for enforcing them.
It's important to remember that this doesn't mean there are no arguments or problems in healthy relationships. It means that in healthy relationships, problems are actually confronted and dealt with in a way that results in a solution or new understanding.
In unhealthy relationships, the opposite of all of these things is true. Unhealthy relationships feel bad more than they feel good. They are hurtful and unfulfilling. Even when someone doesn’t know that they are experiencing abuse, they know that they don’t like what is going on and that it feels bad.
This is because people in toxic relationships are generally not getting their needs met in healthy ways. They may not be getting them met at all. They may rely on the other person to take responsibility for them and their feelings, or do this for their partner. They may attempt to "protect" the other person from failures or mistakes or expect the other person to do this for them, without realizing that this behavior is controlling. In toxic or unhealthy relationships, there is often a large focus on not being wrong, or not being "the bad one." Blame, resentment, guilt and shame play large parts in these kinds of relationships, with people unable or unwilling to take accountability for their own actions or their own feelings.
It's easy to blame others for how we feel or how we've acted, but this mindset doesn't facilitate relationships or communication. When someone will not or cannot communicate in a healthy way, the relationship suffers. In healthy relationships, the focus is on working together to resolve problems and conflict, not who is right or wrong. Handling conflict in any other way is counter-productive and only leads to more problems. When someone takes no responsibility for their actions, or conversely, when someone takes too much responsibility that is not really theirs, the relationship becomes unbalanced and therefore, unhealthy. This is why "people-pleasing" and compulsive blame-taking behaviors are just as destructive as blame-shifting and behaviors that ignore the needs of others. Both contribute hugely to imbalance in relationships. Own what’s yours and that’s it.
Maybe most importantly, in unhealthy relationships, boundaries are not respected. In healthy relationships, boundaries are sometimes crossed as well. However, in these situations, the trust can be rebuilt because the boundary is respected and it does not happen again. In unhealthy relationships, boundaries are ignored and/or repeatedly crossed. A healthy person walks away from a situation where they are being disrespected and ignored this way, but those entangled in toxic relationships do not walk away - usually because of their own unhealed parts. They stay and continue to argue or plead for their boundaries to be respected. This makes the other person responsible for enforcing their partner’s boundaries, which is not healthy. Or, people stay in the relationship and continue to punish the other person for crossing the boundary, never allowing trust to be rebuilt - even if the boundary is respected forever after.
This is super-unhealthy and it is counter-productive. If someone cannot respect boundaries, the relationship should end. If someone cannot forgive and move on from a boundary being crossed, the relationship should end. In neither of these situations will a healthy relationship result. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person, and that includes yourself.
Understanding what’s healthy is remembering that it’s very important to see and accept relationships as they really are. If someone refuses to respect boundaries, communicate in a healthy way or change unhealthy behavior, you cannot make them. A big part of being healthy is listening to what someone is telling you, even if they are telling you things you don’t want to hear. You owe it to yourself to be honest.
The biggest thing we need to understand about healthy relationships is that until we get healthy, we will continue to fall into unhealthy relationships. Even if we do attract healthy people, they will not want to be in a relationship that is unbalanced. This means that until we get healthy, the only potential partners we have for relationships are other unhealthy people.